Monday, November 25, 2013

Because she hates the words "What-If"

Dear Aiky,

Hi how are you? I don't know where you are now, but I've been thinking about you lately. Yes, I am thinking about our short conversation at our lovely campus years ago.

Did you remember my stupid question to you? It was about your relationship with someone, a friendship.
Me : Why don't you dating her, Ky?
You : Why do you ask me that question?
Me : Nothing, just thinking.
You : Thereat, you chuckled and said "I love her that much, Ri. It's better like this, If we are dating, there always be possibilities for us to hurt each other and I don't wanna hurt her".
Me : silent for a moment and said "is it? Is that what you think?"
You : yes, at least for now.

A year after, I heard you dating her. I tried to find a sense behind your decision. It might be because you wanted to take the one and the only chance you had to always be there for her, and nothing wrong with that.

When I met you and gave you a congratulation, you smiled and said "Life happens, Ri" then I smiled too.

It actually happened to a friend of mine, Ky. She loves someone for no reason. Hahaha... yeah if you asked her "why him?" probably she will just give you her best smile ;')
But shit happened! And shit by default is very very shitty. It's just 'the truth is ugly'.
Skip the shit.
She didn't know why, but she felt like she wanted to be there for him and try to help him out of his problems. She knew that he's so damn selfish, yet she couldn't deny her heart call.

Until one day, she got a chance to have what so-called a relationship with him. Suddenly she remembered our conversation I once told her. She was actually afraid to take this chance because she thought she loved him that bad, so she didn't want a thing break she-and-him friendship. Not to mention that shitty things.

Nevertheles, she also saw from another point of view that this might be her chance to be his lover. Then, she took it. This wasn't a game, she knew that. It's just her decision for whatever the consequences.

Along the time, not-so-good-things happened to her. Family, friendship, office and also relationship issues. All those issues came simultaneously that she couldn't bear it. Then it led to the worst thing (esp. for her) called break-up.

Of course she wasn't OK. It's hurt and it's truly not easy, but she believed that she just need to get through all of this.

I didn't know what happened to you after you break up with her. To complete her story this girl told me that she actually wasn't sure what kind of feeling she had after she break-up, yet she just wanted to be around him although she realized it was never be the same. All she can do is just to make sure that he's doing good. The thing is she knew for a fact that he got over her a month after. It's so damn hurt!, she said.

Another day, it came to one thinking "what-if". Yeah sometimes the "what-if" was too late. What if A, what if B, and so forth and so forth. The only thing she wanted for "what-if" was it's better to know nothing from the very beginning, yet there's no way to regret.

I know she hates the words "what-if" if it is asked at the end of they day. As for her, question what-if should arise at the first place before a decision is made.

This because-I-hate-the-words-what-if girl eventually asked the question 'what-if'. She thought perhaps it's better for her not to take the chance and end up being his friend. She also thought that it's always better to be called his friend instead of his ex. The last thing, she thought that if she's just being his friend, she can always whisper "hey dude, I am here. I am always here".

Ah ya, she sent me a song that he wanted him to hear.

I walk to the end of the line
I wonder if I should look back
To all of the things that were said and done
I think we should talk it over
Then I noticed the sign on your back
It boldly says try to walk away
I go on pretending I'll be ok
This morning it hits me hard that
Still everyday I think about you
I know for a fact that's not your problem
But if you change your mind you'll find me
Hanging on to the place
Where the big blue sky collapse
As I stare at the wall in this room
The cracks they resemble your shadow
When everyday I see time goes by
In my head everything stood still
I'm waiting for things to unfreeze
Till you release me from the ice block
It's been floating for ages washed up by the sea
And it's drowning, thought you should know that
You see people are trying
To find their way back home
So I'll find my way to you
-Adhitia Sofyan-

Hey, Aiky it was really nice to have that conversation with you. Both of us may think that life always happens, no matter what we want it or not we just need to get through it.

_inspired by Aiky Nugraha_
(a friend of mine from small circle friendship named SMFEUI 2004/2005)

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